Hey, so I realized that I don't write anymore. What happened? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I feel like no one gives a shit about what my daily life is about. My roommate never says hi even though I used to (and stopped due to her curt or lack of response) greet her in passing. I need a new living situation.
So basically for the past three days, I've been in a depressive slump. I have no idea why which is very frustrating. John and I had an argument about my "bad attitude" and it's hard to explain to someone who isn't in my head how confusing and difficult it is to deal with this lingering emotion. I don't think he'll ever understand... but I just hope and pray that it won't be the reason we break-up. Do I have depression?
Today I feel so unmotivated to study for my MCB 61 midterm. I'm not sure why.. maybe it has to do with the fact that most of this information I already know or that I'm just burned out from last week's 3 midterms. I'm betting on the latter. Why is it that reason seems to temporarily slake an unsettled mood? I feel that finding "why" may lead to finding "how" to solve the problem. Unfortunately 4/5 times for myself, knowing "why" does nothing for me.
I found my old annorixi-blog. I was upset with myself for weighing 101.3 lbs. WOW. If I weighed that much now, I'd be pretty happy. I think I was just trying to push myself to reach that 95 or 85. I often wonder if I'd decided to be annorexic in college, if it would stick. Would it? I'm not sure I would have been able to survive going to classes, let alone the parties. I often revert to "what if I was annorexic again.. i want to do it.." and then I remember how much it messes with metabolism and the rate at which my body stores food into fat and into usable energy. I guess going back would be a bad idea, but lately I've been feeling extra fat and ugly. Maybe it's that three day depression still lingering like a black cloud above my head.
Maybe that's what these depressions are - a black cloud above my head. Maybe it's just a storm waiting to happen each time. It's just collecting itself to strike me with lightening; and what's annoying is that it's ideal conditions to strike are completely independent from my life. There is no correlation between my sadness and my actual real life. I feel I like to tag on reasons for my sadness but many people have the same feelings.. but they just don't feel them as deeply.
Anyways, the weekend is over. My Nutritional Science class was useless. The professor just reads off of the slides which are taken directly from the textbook. I concluded (and so did the girl next to me in lecture) that I'm never going back to lecture until the next topic -- when there is a new professor up to teach. I came home feeling extremely tired and then woke up after a 1.5 hour nap to feeling very alone without John with me. Am I addicted to this person? Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm just surrounded by people who don't see that I am a person and I really want to be around people who care about my existence. If I died, my entire building wouldn't care. I can say that for sure. They'd only be concerned about replacing my rent money.
This post is by no means as positive and happy as my sister Jessica's, but I'm by no means as happy and positive as her. I'm dark and miserable today. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up sometimes. I dread this week, in all honesty... I need a vacation - a real one.
I want to go home.
