Is this a phase? I really love John.. a lot. Every time I think about the future, I can't see it without him. He's working so hard for our future as well as his own. He's working so hard to legitimize himself so he can be that guy for me, for my future, as well as for his own future. I really hope that all this stress and stuff that we're going through will be worth it. I really do! I need to work on my emotions and explosions. Should I seek counseling? I don't understand a lot of it because it's so overwhelming but I hope that one day.. one day I'll overcome my emotions... and he will prove himself.
one more week and if he's not on his way to a job... he's off to Sacramento. I really hope he makes a wise choice and I really hoped for whatever happens. :-\
Alright well i spent like 10 more minutes on this computer than i'd planned. TIME TO READ!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
From Sean Farris eons ago
Liz!! Hey there! Hm, well you went to westlake highschool, so I don't know if you know what Kairos is...well, either way. Its a retreat, and I got back from it on friday night. And I feel better than I ever have in my entire life, I loved it and loved it and loved it until, well, no. I haven't stopped loving it and loving most everything. My retreat will not end until I stop living by what I learned from it.
You do not need to respond or do anything, this is not a dramatic letter asking for a renewed connection or pledging some kind of undying love. This is just for you. You are truly a remarkable person. You are so grounded in your perceptions of reality it blows me away only to think about it. But the failing of many many people who are grounded in reality is their cynicism of life. You certainly have your fair share of that, we all do. At least, I know I do. But, Your cynicism I'm sure has given you so many positive as well as negative life experiences. But this is not who you are when people see you. They do not see what you may think about yourself. They don't see weakness. They don't see a cold person. They see strength. I see strength in you, from your moments of greatest joy to your moments of deepest sorrow. You are truly a strong-hearted person, and that is what people feel in you. That is why people are drawn to you. Its why I write this to you, for you. You are desperately needed by the world around you, desperately loved and cared about. Nothing can ever change the fact that you are loved by me and countless others. Know that, please know it. Live the Fourth.
Your caring friend,
Sean Farris.
You do not need to respond or do anything, this is not a dramatic letter asking for a renewed connection or pledging some kind of undying love. This is just for you. You are truly a remarkable person. You are so grounded in your perceptions of reality it blows me away only to think about it. But the failing of many many people who are grounded in reality is their cynicism of life. You certainly have your fair share of that, we all do. At least, I know I do. But, Your cynicism I'm sure has given you so many positive as well as negative life experiences. But this is not who you are when people see you. They do not see what you may think about yourself. They don't see weakness. They don't see a cold person. They see strength. I see strength in you, from your moments of greatest joy to your moments of deepest sorrow. You are truly a strong-hearted person, and that is what people feel in you. That is why people are drawn to you. Its why I write this to you, for you. You are desperately needed by the world around you, desperately loved and cared about. Nothing can ever change the fact that you are loved by me and countless others. Know that, please know it. Live the Fourth.
Your caring friend,
Sean Farris.
11th Monthsiversary
I can't talk to anyone in particular about this one, but I can write about my frustration. I wish I could write to him, but it's so hard to discuss such a sensitive topic with him. It's like a pink elephant or whatever that I feel I have to tip-toe around. When I ask, he says I'm treating him like a 12 year old, micromanaging him. I'm not. Asking "what did you say you needed to do tomorrow?" is NOT patronizing. He tells me to open up and tell him my problems and let him help me, but he doesn't do the same. What kind of relationship is this? Is this some kind of pride thing where the man must support his woman and not the other way around? WHY DOESN'T HE EVER LET ME HELP?! More importantly, why doesn't he act right away? It's so tiring for me to dance around this problem and even more tiring for him to have it... then why prolong the experience? "I'll get to it when I do." It's like that leaky faucet that a husband promises to fix but never does. I wish I didn't cry so much so that my tears would actually mean something to him. THIS - this is a problem that can be fixed... SO FIX IT!!
he hides his resume.
he hides his plan.
he hides what he's done.
he REFUSES help from me.
Does he think I'm incompetent or something? Does he feel I'm stupid? Is it that he feels that seeking my advice is shameful? What the HELL is it?!?!?!? Anyone, answer me!
he lacks a sense of URGENCY until he is put on a timeline and it makes him angry, agitated, and causes him to lash out at me. I can be understanding to a limit, but when I'm at the butt end of this, isn't it NATURAL to figure out what's wrong and to STOP the problem? Am I the crazy one? what the HELL?!?!?!?!?!
I'M SO FCKING SAD. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO TALK TO!
he hides his resume.
he hides his plan.
he hides what he's done.
he REFUSES help from me.
Does he think I'm incompetent or something? Does he feel I'm stupid? Is it that he feels that seeking my advice is shameful? What the HELL is it?!?!?!? Anyone, answer me!
he lacks a sense of URGENCY until he is put on a timeline and it makes him angry, agitated, and causes him to lash out at me. I can be understanding to a limit, but when I'm at the butt end of this, isn't it NATURAL to figure out what's wrong and to STOP the problem? Am I the crazy one? what the HELL?!?!?!?!?!
I'M SO FCKING SAD. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO TALK TO!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Starting a new one
Hey, so I realized that I don't write anymore. What happened? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I feel like no one gives a shit about what my daily life is about. My roommate never says hi even though I used to (and stopped due to her curt or lack of response) greet her in passing. I need a new living situation.
So basically for the past three days, I've been in a depressive slump. I have no idea why which is very frustrating. John and I had an argument about my "bad attitude" and it's hard to explain to someone who isn't in my head how confusing and difficult it is to deal with this lingering emotion. I don't think he'll ever understand... but I just hope and pray that it won't be the reason we break-up. Do I have depression?
Today I feel so unmotivated to study for my MCB 61 midterm. I'm not sure why.. maybe it has to do with the fact that most of this information I already know or that I'm just burned out from last week's 3 midterms. I'm betting on the latter. Why is it that reason seems to temporarily slake an unsettled mood? I feel that finding "why" may lead to finding "how" to solve the problem. Unfortunately 4/5 times for myself, knowing "why" does nothing for me.
I found my old annorixi-blog. I was upset with myself for weighing 101.3 lbs. WOW. If I weighed that much now, I'd be pretty happy. I think I was just trying to push myself to reach that 95 or 85. I often wonder if I'd decided to be annorexic in college, if it would stick. Would it? I'm not sure I would have been able to survive going to classes, let alone the parties. I often revert to "what if I was annorexic again.. i want to do it.." and then I remember how much it messes with metabolism and the rate at which my body stores food into fat and into usable energy. I guess going back would be a bad idea, but lately I've been feeling extra fat and ugly. Maybe it's that three day depression still lingering like a black cloud above my head.
Maybe that's what these depressions are - a black cloud above my head. Maybe it's just a storm waiting to happen each time. It's just collecting itself to strike me with lightening; and what's annoying is that it's ideal conditions to strike are completely independent from my life. There is no correlation between my sadness and my actual real life. I feel I like to tag on reasons for my sadness but many people have the same feelings.. but they just don't feel them as deeply.
Anyways, the weekend is over. My Nutritional Science class was useless. The professor just reads off of the slides which are taken directly from the textbook. I concluded (and so did the girl next to me in lecture) that I'm never going back to lecture until the next topic -- when there is a new professor up to teach. I came home feeling extremely tired and then woke up after a 1.5 hour nap to feeling very alone without John with me. Am I addicted to this person? Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm just surrounded by people who don't see that I am a person and I really want to be around people who care about my existence. If I died, my entire building wouldn't care. I can say that for sure. They'd only be concerned about replacing my rent money.
This post is by no means as positive and happy as my sister Jessica's, but I'm by no means as happy and positive as her. I'm dark and miserable today. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up sometimes. I dread this week, in all honesty... I need a vacation - a real one.
I want to go home.
So basically for the past three days, I've been in a depressive slump. I have no idea why which is very frustrating. John and I had an argument about my "bad attitude" and it's hard to explain to someone who isn't in my head how confusing and difficult it is to deal with this lingering emotion. I don't think he'll ever understand... but I just hope and pray that it won't be the reason we break-up. Do I have depression?
Today I feel so unmotivated to study for my MCB 61 midterm. I'm not sure why.. maybe it has to do with the fact that most of this information I already know or that I'm just burned out from last week's 3 midterms. I'm betting on the latter. Why is it that reason seems to temporarily slake an unsettled mood? I feel that finding "why" may lead to finding "how" to solve the problem. Unfortunately 4/5 times for myself, knowing "why" does nothing for me.
I found my old annorixi-blog. I was upset with myself for weighing 101.3 lbs. WOW. If I weighed that much now, I'd be pretty happy. I think I was just trying to push myself to reach that 95 or 85. I often wonder if I'd decided to be annorexic in college, if it would stick. Would it? I'm not sure I would have been able to survive going to classes, let alone the parties. I often revert to "what if I was annorexic again.. i want to do it.." and then I remember how much it messes with metabolism and the rate at which my body stores food into fat and into usable energy. I guess going back would be a bad idea, but lately I've been feeling extra fat and ugly. Maybe it's that three day depression still lingering like a black cloud above my head.
Maybe that's what these depressions are - a black cloud above my head. Maybe it's just a storm waiting to happen each time. It's just collecting itself to strike me with lightening; and what's annoying is that it's ideal conditions to strike are completely independent from my life. There is no correlation between my sadness and my actual real life. I feel I like to tag on reasons for my sadness but many people have the same feelings.. but they just don't feel them as deeply.
Anyways, the weekend is over. My Nutritional Science class was useless. The professor just reads off of the slides which are taken directly from the textbook. I concluded (and so did the girl next to me in lecture) that I'm never going back to lecture until the next topic -- when there is a new professor up to teach. I came home feeling extremely tired and then woke up after a 1.5 hour nap to feeling very alone without John with me. Am I addicted to this person? Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm just surrounded by people who don't see that I am a person and I really want to be around people who care about my existence. If I died, my entire building wouldn't care. I can say that for sure. They'd only be concerned about replacing my rent money.
This post is by no means as positive and happy as my sister Jessica's, but I'm by no means as happy and positive as her. I'm dark and miserable today. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up sometimes. I dread this week, in all honesty... I need a vacation - a real one.
I want to go home.
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